As two of my children are now fully into teenage years, one of the challenges… err.. I should say one of the joys… ok, how about: One of the wonderful, blessed, painful, and challenging things I get to navigate as a father is my ever evolving relationship with my teens.
The best way to explain is to first examine my relationship with my daughter who is 7. When she is sad or hurting, she typically doesn’t want to reason with me, she simply wants to climb into my lap and be held. When she is happy, she wants to run around, have tickle fights and play silly games. Even though she struggles with the greater freedom her older siblings have, she knows that we have more “rules” for her. We are much more involved in helping her make good choices in how she spends her time, what she eats, and the things she watches.
As you can obviously see, the above formula for our 7 year old is not going to work for our teens. Especially my oldest who is almost an adult and we WANT to make independent choices. We want our teens to respect their freedom and live with their consequences. And while my wife and I have learned the hard way that no child is EVER, EVER the same, I do believe that our parenting principles should be consistent, clearly communicated, and demonstrated. I’ve shared in a previous post that our family developed family core values , and likewise, I know that it is important for parents to have parenting core values.
For me personally, I’m learning more and more that I can sometimes be a friend, but never to the point where I compromise my role as a father. My goal with all my children is not that they would reflect back and just see me as a good friend, but rather as a loving father that “trained them up in the way they should go” (Proverbs 22:6). My job is not to be always likable, it is to do whatever I can to prepare them to succeed in their destiny and calling.
I think there was a time when I was catering to my kids. Trying to make things easy, or do things that would make me loved. But I read Proverbs 22:6 and know that to be a good father is to not just unconditionally love and accept my children, but to train them to succeed in all areas of life. Not just to love God, but to love those around them. To serve and to understand the value of hard work, patience and perseverance.
Not sure if you have teenagers, but this is not the easiest thing to do right now, especially in our age of instant internet gratification.
Many times, it is being the “bad guy’, making a tough decision to disciple kids, remove privileges that are abused, and even force them to go to church. My oldest is a senior in high school and ready to spread her wings and fly after she graduates. I want her senior memories to be amazing, filled with fun, laughter, and joy. But I would be negligent to remove my obligation as a father to best prepare her for living out in the world.
Some times it means I have to do things that make my kids not like me… and that’s ok. Because I’m a father, not just a friend.
bryanrheem 