I’ve been continually surprised by the twists and turns, ups and downs, victories and defeats, joy and frustration, (etc, etc, etc) that I’ve faced while being a dad. How is it possible to experience something that is so amazing and so difficult, all at the same time?
Bam, welcome to parenthood!
Equally, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the amount of single men I’ve heard say that their greatest achievement would be to be an amazing husband and father. In an age where a lot of people are pursuing fortune, power and fame, I am encouraged that there is such a generation of men that put family as a priority.
And at the same time I would love to offer my process to help anybody out there … *disclaimer* It always seems that when I’ve perceived to have climbed a mountain of success in parenting, it merely lets me see a more difficult one that is looming ahead of me. Kinda like the more I accomplish and learn, the more I realize how much further I have to go; all mixed in with the fact that each child changes as they grow, encountering their own season, difficulties and the process of discovering their identity. It really is a beautiful mess. A wonderful challenge. A blessed difficulty!
By no means do I think I could ever fully describe my own personal journey as a father, but I do hope to capture some things I’ve learned along the way. And as difficult as it has been, there is no greater joy than family. And no challenge I face is above the blessing to have a wife and kids that I can call my own.
I guess I can start this off by being vulnerable in my growth process…
Several years ago I had a moment when I realized that I wasn’t living like the type of father I wanted to be. Obviously, my goal is to be Christlike to my wife and kids, but in that process, I clearly saw that the values I had as a father were NOT reflected in my daily life.
What happened?
To be honest, I can’t clearly remember the details, but it had something to do with my son wanting something. That is nothing shocking as my son has never had a problem letting me know when he wants something… what really hit me was the realization that I was being so stingy with giving my son a gift, while I had no problem lavishly spending money on myself. Now obviously, if Elijah asks me for a Tesla (and he has – even though he can’t even drive), I’m not going to give him one… so this was something pretty ordinary, maybe even something he ‘needed’ for school, or baseball, etc. And more importantly, it wasn’t necessarily the issue of buying or money, but my actual attitude of having to spend money on anybody other than me.
*yikes*
It was at this moment that I knew I needed to do some business with God. What was going on inside of me? What was the root of this behavior? Why couldn’t I give my son a gift when I have no problem spending money on myself? How was my behavior reflecting what I tell my kids about Father God being a good, generous Father? How long had I been hiding my selfishness behind a facade of responsibility and stewardship?
Well, it has been only in the past two years where the lies I had been believing were fully exposed and the truth sowed into my heart. I had believed the lie that because I didn’t have a dad growing up (my parents divorced when I was six), I didn’t have any father role model. I had believed the lie that because I didn’t have a dad, I could continually hide my immaturity behind the excuse of being “in-process”. I had believed the lie that I earned my money and that it was mine to spend only…
The truth is, I have the best father role model in the world, a Father who was willing to sacrifice the most precious thing for me … willing to empty himself completely for me, withholding nothing for my sake. The truth is, I don’t ever have to worry about being generous because that is God’s nature! But the core truth that allowed me to begin walking as a father was the realization that my identity IS a dad.
Regardless of the physiological truth that I had biological children, it wasn’t until I viewed myself as a dad and thought of myself as a dad, that I finally began to ACT like a dad. And it not only was with my immediate kids, but also with the wealth of younger people attending my ministry school. As I actually believed that I was a good father (like my father in heaven), my actions, thoughts, perspective… my life began to reflect it.
TRUST ME, I’m not a pushover. I don’t believe in “participation awards” and I’m very much for hard work and stewardship. But this is something now that I can walk out filled with love and selflessness for my kids. Not to take things away from them, but to eagerly participate in their growth as children into teens into adults.
For me, a life goal is to raise my kids into amazing people who love God, love themselves, love others, and walk in their full identity.
For those dads out there, take a moment, look in the mirror, and declare and believe you are who you are!
bryanrheem 